【Relinquish for Love】A birth mother’s longing

Photo by Padurariu Alexandru

 Many years ago, Tracy’s life got in to a desperate situation to the point that she decided to place her child for adoption. After adoption, she always calls on time to see whether there is any piece of information or photo from the adoptive parents about her girl. Today, when I saw her name showing up on my unread message list, I started to worry because I knew it was not the time yet.

“Can I ask you a question?” Tracy asked in her message.

“ Sure. What can I do for you?” I replied.

“I just wonder…people like me…will have a chance to see my child later?”

“People like you…do you mean mothers who place their children for adoption?”

“Yes.”

Seeing “Yes” made my heart pounding so fast that I can feel my stress and anxiety. Emotionally, I feel my urge to say “OF COURSE” to cheer her up because it is too difficult for me to let a mother down. But professionally and rationally, I know from my heart that there is no absolute answer to her question so it is wrong to give her faults hope. What should I do and say?

I started to search all the professional suggestions related to this topic in my head. I felt frustrated as the clock was ticking. Finally, some words came out of my mind. “Tracy, to be honest, this question is too broad to have a straight answer as it involves too many factors. From my past experiences, it is highly likely you will have a chance to reunite but timing is another matter in terms of a child’s maturity, preparation and so on.” As I sent those words out to her, I felt a sense of guilt. I chose the safest words to Tracy’s answer.

“I understand. I can wait.” Tracy replied. What a surprised answer but at the same I could feel her hurt immediately.

For a long time, I have known Tracy is hunted by her sense of guilt because she is “absent” in her child’s life. Although she fully understood the reasons behind her decision, she still wondered from time to time. Her guilt probably is highly related to how she perceives herself as a mother and as a person. In her mind, she still so much focuses on herself failed to be a mother so she could not accept herself as a personal fully. At this point, I wish I had instant cure but I did. The only thing I could do at this point is to listen to her and accept her.

“It is not easy at all. Your heart is so troubled during this waiting time. Facing uncertainty also adds difficulty of living with your sorrow.” I shared with Tracy of how I felt.

“Indeed. But now I know that I am understood. I don’t feel alone so challenged in this waiting time.” Tracy replied.

“I know because I am a mother too.” Those words just came across my mind so I replied.

“Thank you.” Tracy said it with a sense of relief.

I know today Tracy could put a stamp of “happiness” on her Happiness Passport after finding a sense of peace in her troubled mind and heart temporary. I also feel that I put a stamp of “happiness” on my Happiness Passport because I was truly with myself and Tracy at the end. Being a mother becomes my resource to integrate the emotional as well as rational part of me.