【Social Worker】Can I trust and let go？

 Recently, a social worker shared her worries with me. It is about an older child who just started the adoption trial care. She asked me whether she could go to visit the child and when the time is appropriate. My thought immediately went back to a child I served years ago and the moment when I said goodbye to her second adoptive mother.

When I was just about to say goodbye after a home visit, the adoptive mother gave me a big hug and whispered: “You can let go and feel relieved now. She has lots of people who love her and is a very happy child.” Right at that moment, I burst into tears and could not stop. Meanwhile, I felt the burden in my heart lifted and had no more suffered from the sense of guilt.

She was the child whom I served, whom I happily handed to her first adoptive parents, whom I searched for years after adoption completed and whom I failed to give her a happy family life. Each time I thought about her, I felt heartache and started to wonder where she was and how she was. I cried because I felt strong sense of frustration and failure in my helping professional career.

So I can fully relate to how that social worker feels. When I looked back that first adoptive family, I still had hard time figuring what went wrong in the assessment process done by so many professionals. That family, no matter in paper or in person, appeared to be a wonderful and well-prepared family which was also a perfect match to this child. But the result was so disappointing.

I felt my urge to know the reason so I would not experience it again. I asked an experienced senior social worker: “how do you assess the adoption applicants and know whether they are suitable and whether they are prepared?”

She replied: “You would never 100% sure about the family you assess. You just can do your best. There will always be one or two cases which make your heartache whenever you think about it. Although it will be a life-long heartache, you will be reminded to do the work with your heart and full efforts. Because kids entrust their future in our hands, we cannot stand that same thing happening again and again. After giving our best, the rest is in God’s hand.” What a surprised answer!

For many social workers, children they serve have special place in their hearts. Social workers feel that the future of these children in need is in their hands, which relies on their professionalism to provide best assessment so this assessment is used to predict future based on the information gathered on the past and current situation. When prediction does not meet our expectation, it becomes frustration and challenges, especially which involves a child’s future. It feels that social workers fail this child.

I am fortunately to find this child and visit her new family. I can rest my troubled heart although I know there is always a slight sorrow there to remind me this “failure”. Look at this “failure” from another ankle, it makes to learn from the experience and to work hard to be a better helping professional. I put the stamp of this child’s smile on my “Happiness Passport” and feel really happy and blessed.

Remark: A social worker has to learn to trust his/ her team to make a professional assessment on adoptive family and also has to learn to trust that a child has his/ her inner strengths to deal with life challenges. At the same time, a social worker has to learn to wait and comfort own unsettled feeling when not seeing a child and then learn to let the adoptive parents to be parents and let the child to be the child during visit. At the end, a social worker can only remind herself/ himself that she/ he has done her/ his best and let all the worries go.